I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
