her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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