Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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