I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
