Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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