just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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