ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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