You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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