I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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