I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
