dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
