Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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