You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
