were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
