Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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