he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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