Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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