I have demons in me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im holly from the hills drunk
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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