The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
