I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
