i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
