My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
