It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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