i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
