i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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