Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
