WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
