I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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