I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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