he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
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In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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