guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
