I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
