We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
