I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
