dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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