If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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