I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
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If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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