I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven