***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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