I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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