I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
