you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
