woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
