Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
