I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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