the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
