that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
