Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
