im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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