I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
