: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
