I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
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We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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