Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
