worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
