Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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