Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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