White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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