I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
