When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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