You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
