Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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