You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
