the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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