He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
