I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
